HIZZONER HAS SPOKEN

Well, the "Decider" has decided on his "New Iraq Policy." Our President once again has heard the voice of the People. He has gone to the mountain and counseled with the "wise men." And the decision is (drum roll!): NO DECISION!

That's right, you heard it right here. He has spoken with One Voice. And that voice is dead silent!

Well, it's understandable. After all, Congress is adjourned, Christmas is around the corner. Everybody's just too dad-burn busy to worry about all that carnage, blood being spilt in the streets of Iraq. Really, there's just so much to do to get ready! Gifts to buy, beeves to slaughter, mountains of food to prepare, so much abundance to accumulate before Santa arrives. Has the President even had a chance to decorate his tree in Crawford? I doubt it. Just think of the hours he's put in worrying over his New Iraq Policy! I can't even imagine the nights he's spent walking the floor of the West Wing without a lick of sleep. It's too much to expect of our leader at this festive time of the year. Well, at least His Honor's children won't be special delivered to the Crawford ranchette in body bags over the holidays.

So, he thought it best to wait till the new year before making any big decisions. That's reasonable, isn't it? It's called being "prudent." After all, anybody can get into a war. That decision, as almost any of our Congressmen can tell you, requires only a minimum of thought and debate. Actually, the less thought and debate, the better. No messy "Study Groups" required for that! But getting out of the war--now, that's a whole 'nother kettle of fish. We just might require more than one measly "Study Group" to figure this out. I mean, we have to look at the "reality on the ground," don't we? Remember that? Remember "the reality on the ground?" Well, I don't know about you, but I have fond memories of "the reality on the ground."

There's just all kinds of complexities involved, here. Layers of issues and. . .and bodies, and buckets of blood, and. . .torture, and rape and pillage, and what have you. And, by the way, what kind of a send-off can we expect from the Iraqi people once our troops are on their way out of town? Hm? Has anyone given any thought to that? Will it be a cheerful send-off? Will the grateful newly democratized citizens stand and wave and cheer along the parade route? Will they throw flowers and garlands at our victorious army as it passes in review? Will their women dish out kisses to our boys as those saucy French girls once did when we liberated France? Will it be a good photo-op for the embedded press?

And here's a question. How do you calculate the proper ratio of blood spilt to the price of gas at the pump? And who makes that decision, for crying out loud? Do we just leave it up to the CEO of Exxon-Mobil to figure out? How much is he making, anyway? What's his name? Rex. Rex Tillerson. Let's see. Well, ol' Rex is up for a 2.8 million dollar bonus for 2006. And he's getting a 17% pay hike for 2007--that will raise him to 1.75 million bucks. Hm. I'm just not sure he's the right one to decide this issue. You think self-interest might be a problem, here? I just don't know.

Well, maybe we let the Decider handle that one, too. Gee, that's a lot of decisions we've handed him lately, isn't it? Frankly, I'm a little concerned for his well-being. How many things can one guy decide on before he finally crumbles under the weight of all those decisions? Decisions like whose phones to tap and whose emails to read. Oh, but he's already made that one kind of easy, hasn't he? Just tap and read them all. Yeah, way ahead of us, there. But what about who to lock up and who to torture? Oh, that's right, he made that one easy, too. Just arrest and torture anybody that looks out of place. Habeas Corpus is finito, so that's not a problem. But what about all those decisions about which laws to obey and which ones to break? That's a lot a lot of balls to juggle, isn't it? Well, no, I guess not. He just decides in the moment, doesn't he? And nobody objects anyway, so. . . .

But still, pulling out of a war, that's a lot more complicated, I believe. I'm thinking we might need two or three Study Groups to handle this problem. Or maybe a dozen or so. And surely, we oughta get the Think Tanks involved. Let's face it, it could take years to arrive at the proper decision on Iraq.

What do we do? Stay? Or go home? It's just so complicated.