Sunday, April 02, 2006


This just in. The D.C. Democrats have a new motto. This is the new motto: “Suck up and sell out.”

The old motto was, “America can do better.” Asked why the motto was changed, Senator Joseph Biden of Delaware, said, “Well, we thought we could do better.”

In an interview on the Dave Letterman show, Hillary Clinton, smiling rather coquettishly at Dave, said, “Well, we thought we could do better than 'America can do better.'”

Senator Joe Lieberman, reached by telephone at his lakeside villa in Connecticut, said, “I just thought we could do lots better than the old motto—I forget what it was now. You see, that was the problem. Nobody knew what the Sam-hell the old motto was. Oh—I just thought of it. 'We can do better,' I think that's what it was. But nobody knew what the hell that meant. I mean—better than what? It's like telling your kid just picked up for possession of illegal substances, 'You can do better, son.' Or telling your sixteen year old daughter who's just asked your permission for an abortion, 'You can do better, sweetheart.' It just sounded a little—I don't know—condescending, I guess. We needed something catchier, something with a little more flash and dash.”

The change in the Democrat's motto comes amid vague apprehensions that the party may not be taken quite as seriously as in the past, as an alternative to the Republican Party by most Americans.

Numerous polls appear to confirm this sense of malaise, revealing sharply declining numbers in the approval ratings of Americans for the Democratic Party. And a recent Zogby poll actually set off a wave of mild concern among a small group of Democratic Senators that included Hillary Clinton, as they sat down to dine in a posh D.C. eatery with lobbyists from Walmart. The poll, which indicated that a majority (54%) of Americans favor impeaching George W. Bush, also revealed that an astonishing 79% of Americans actually did not know that there was another party in existence (other than Republicans) and that it is commonly known as the Democratic Party, or just, “the Democrats.”

The new motto, “Suck up and sell out,” appears to be an attempt to put a new face on the party. Responding to questions on Sunday's Face The Nation, Senator Biden called it “a new motto for a new party.”

At least one Democratic strategist who asked that his name not be mentioned, said he thought the new motto might be a response to the Republican slogan--”Willing to be degraded”--leaked to the press last month, and currently enjoying rather wide popularity and support. Tholos has learned that that slogan was the brain-child of Republican Senator John McCain, of Arizona. McCain, who tops the list of people who have been degraded by their own party, said, “It just came to me in the middle of the night. I wanted to get it out there before Rove thought of it.”


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