Saturday, June 18, 2005
INTERVIEW OF JUBAL DURFEE (Part II)
THOLOS: What is your thinking about God, as far as His position on this war is concerned? Do you basically believe that God is on our side?
JUBAL: What other side is there?
THOLOS: What about people in other countries. Maybe they think God is on their side.
JUBAL: Well, I think they’re in for a disappointment.
THOLOS: Are you saying God only loves Americans?
JUBAL: No, I think He loves everybody alike. But He demands faithfulness. He’s a jealous God. He wants everybody on His team. If you’re not on His team, then He just figures you’re lost to the Devil, and there’s nothin’ he can do to help you. And that applies to Americans as much as anyone else in the world.
THOLOS: Do you think God was on our side in the Vietnam conflict?
JUBAL: Of course I do.
THOLOS: Why do you think we lost that war?
JUBAL: Well, I don’t think we lost, really. I mean, we pulverized the holy fuckin’ shit out of ‘em, didn’t we? We killed a couple million of those little gook bastards, whereas we only lost about fifty-four thousand on our side. Does that sound like we lost? Don’t sound like it to me. I just think we got weak, that’s all. We let the dopers, the hippies, the fairies and the radicals, like George McGovern, have their way. So, we pulled out early. Nixon was on the right track, though.
THOLOS: You mean, with his bombing campaigns?
JUBAL: You bet.
THOLOS: So you think we should have continued bombing them?
JUBAL: I just think you have to be willing to do whatever it takes to win people over to Jesus.
THOLOS: Even if it means killing them all?
JUBAL: Well, I believe in ferocious war, ‘cause that’s what’s called for in the Bible. Look, God gave us life, man! God gave us this beautiful creation! The only thing He asks in return—the only thing—is a little faithfulness. Is that too much to ask? I, for one, don’t think so. And that’s why I think it’s so important right now to elect candidates who have an ironclad belief in their creator. Nixon was one of those people—he was a Mennonite, I think, or somethin’ like that—so he had a deep faith in God, and he was willing to do whatever it took.
THOLOS: Actually, he was a Quaker.
THOLOS: Quakers are usually pacifists. They’re usually found among the peace demonstrators.
JUBAL: Well, maybe they lost their way since Nixon’s time. I wouldn’t be surprised. But he was on a path, see? And now, George W. Bush is continuing on that same path. And this guy that came out of his hidey hole after thirty years and said he was Deep Throat and helped to bring Nixon down is nothin’ but a coward and a traitor to our country. I think they oughta put him up in front of a firing squad, myself.
THOLOS: But Nixon lied and committed crimes. Do you think it was wrong to try to bring him and the other Watergate criminals to justice?
JUBAL: I think they were trying to do what they knew was right for the country. Does that make ‘em criminals?
THOLOS: Then, you think lying and stealing are okay as long as the cause is right?
JUBAL: I think there’s such a thing as lies for personal gain, and we all know that’s a sin. But then there’s such another thing as lies for God.
THOLOS: Lies for God?
THOLOS: And lies for God are okay?
JUBAL: Look, I think God is out to win as many converts over to his side as He can before the End Times. I think if I was to tell a lie that resulted in just one person bein’ saved on this whole planet, that God would pat me on the back and say, “Good for you, Jubal! Now, come on up here and sit beside me!” We’re in a war, you see? A war for peoples’ souls. And in a war, you do what you have to.
THOLOS: So, you think Bush’s lie about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq was a good lie? In other words, it was a lie for God?
JUBAL: Well, I don’t think he lied about those weapons, myself. I think they’re out there, somewhere. They’re in Iran or Syria, or somewhere, and we’ll find ‘em one of these days, and then a lot of people in this country and around the world will be eating their words. All liberals, I imagine. But even if it was a lie, yeah, I think it was a lie for the right reason. Saddam was an evil tyrant. We needed to get him out. And I think Bush is just trying to do what he believes God wants him to do.
THOLOS: About 95% of the rest of the world is in disagreement with this war and with the policies of the Bush Administration.
JUBAL: Well, I’m not surprised. Look, we finally have a president who believes in God, who puts God above everything else. Of course, the rest of the world’s out of step with that! Most of the world is a Godless place! I think there’s a reason why people are choosin’ up sides right now. And I just hope, for their sakes, they start makin’ the right choices.
THOLOS: Because the “End Times” are coming?
JUBAL: Absolutely. Jesus is comin’ back, and He’s not a happy camper. You remember when Bush said, “You’re either with us or against us”?
JUBAL: Lot of people thought he was bein’ a bully, tryin’ to talk tough or somethin’. I remember the press tried to make a big deal out of it. But that wasn’t it at all.
THOLOS: It wasn’t?
JUBAL: No. He just meant you’re either on God’s side or you’re on the Devil’s side, that’s all. He was speakin’ Biblically, you see. He was testifyin’ for God. Man, I just loved it when he said that! See, all of us in the Christian community—we knew what he meant. We sat up and said, “Finally! Somebody that gets it!—somebody that understands!” Man, it just got me so stirred up! I was pumped for days after that. (He wipes a tear from his eye.) See, you really have to pay attention when Bush talks. He’s way smarter than most people give him credit for.
THOLOS: I believe you.
JUBAL: Do you wanta know why that guy’s so strong?
JUBAL: Because of his beliefs, that’s why. And what’s the one thing his enemies are tryin’ to do right now? What are they focused on?
THOLOS: I don’t know. What?
JUBAL: They’re focused on his beliefs! They’re tryin’ to tear down his faith. Makes sense, don’t it? But they can’t do it! There’s no way! And the more they try to tear him down, the stronger he gets. Shit, I hear all this liberal talk about how Bush is just some frat boy, oh, he’s not his own man, it’s really Cheney runnin’ the show, and all that baloney. Well, don’t you believe it. He’s in charge, all right. He’s his own man. Hell, Bush makes Bill Clinton look like a little girl. Remember when they started in on ol’ Bill about that blowjob he got off’a Monica? Remember that? Shit, he just folded up. Tried to lie his way out of it. What a jackass! Looked like a kid that’d been caught with his pants down by his Sunday school teacher. You know what I would have done?
THOLOS: No, what?
JUBAL: First time they ever asked me that question about Monica, I would’a looked them assholes straight in the eye and said, “It’s none of your goddamn business!” And I would’a kept sayin’ it till they finally quit and went home. And that would’a been the end of it. Case closed. There never would have been a case ‘cause I never would have lied in the first place. And that’s what’s so great about George W. Bush. He don’t apologize for nothin’. He don’t wiggle-waggle or make excuses, even if he’s wrong. And he has been wrong a few times. So what. Nobody gives a flyin’ shit. Why? ‘Cause he don’t give a flyin’ purple shit! And the whole country just loves that! Really, they do. Look, I’ll let you in on a little secret. Okay? Are you ready? Here it is: Americans don’t care what their president does. They really don’t. Lie, cheat, steal—even kill, maybe, but I’m tellin’ you, they don’t care. All they want is somebody to look ‘em in the eye, tell ‘em what he’s gonna do, and then do it. And if people don’t like it, fuck ‘em! And G.W. does just that. Now, you take this PBS thing. There’s a good example of Bush in action. He wants to cut their funding, right? Wants to break ‘em. Well, okay. I really wasn’t thinkin’ about PBS till Bush got focused on it. Hardly ever watch it, myself. But yeah, I can see they got too liberal, so okay, let’s break ‘em. Same thing with Medicare and Social Security. I wasn’t focused on them, either. I didn’t know there was all these problems till he pointed ‘em out. But, see, that’s what I like about Bush—and I’ve heard a lot of my friends back home in Bee Keeper say the same thing—is not so much what he does, as how he does it. It’s the way he sets his sights on these things and gets after ‘em. You know, if he thinks somethin’ needs fixin’, he’ll fix it. But on the other hand, if he thinks somethin’ needs breakin’, he’ll, by God, break it all the way. No half measures. And you gotta respect that. You know who Bush reminds me of?
JUBAL: Clint Eastwood. You know—The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly? The no-name dude with the serape over his shoulders and the little cigar in his teeth? Check it out, sometime. Bush even squints a little like Clint, and kinda mumbles like him when he makes a speech. And who in this country don’t like Clint Eastwood, huh? And why is that? ‘Cause he never hesitates, that’s why. Never flinches in the face of fear. He just rides in and cleans up the town. Just like we’re doin’ in Iraq. And that’s the difference between Bush and Bill Clinton. I actually think they were a little hard on ol’ Bill with that Monica business, but hell, he asked for it. Maybe he’s got a guilt complex, or maybe Hillary’s got him pussy-whipped, I don’t know. But all that’s beside the point since he’s goin’ to hell, anyway.
THOLOS: Clinton’s going to hell?
JUBAL: I would bet on it.
THOLOS: I thought Clinton was Southern Baptist.
JUBAL: Nope. He betrayed the church. Him and Gore both.
THOLOS: Gore’s going to hell, too?
JUBAL: I imagine so.
THOLOS: What about Tipper?
JUBAL: Jury’s still out on her. But the main thing you need to know is that all these people that are tryin’ to run God out of our country right now are not gonna succeed. We’re forming an army to fight ‘em and we’re gonna win—big time!
THOLOS: An army for God?
JUBAL: That’s right. An army of believers.
THOLOS: Who do you think is trying to run God out of the country?
JUBAL: C’mon, man, you know they’re takin’ prayer out of our schools. They don’t even want God in the Pledge of Allegiance. They tried to make Roy Moore remove the Ten Commandments from the Alabama state capitol. But he wouldn’t do it, God bless him! So the bastards took his judgeship away from him. Can you imagine? Man, you know somethin’s dead wrong with this country when everybody holds up this Deep Throat dipshit as a hero, and then turns around and spits on a real hero like Roy Moore. But that’s all right, ‘cause now, our guys in the Senate are kickin’ some liberal butt. We’re gonna get all the judges we want, including the Supreme Court, and there’s not a thing these faggots can do about it, except sit on their hands and watch it happen. Before we’re done, we’ll have the Ten Commandments in every courthouse and schoolroom in America. And Roy Moore’s face will be up on Mount Rushmore.
THOLOS: No kidding? Roy Moore’s face on Mount Rushmore?
JUBAL: I know it sounds kinda wild, don’t it? But I guarantee you it’s gonna happen. Me and some of my buddies have already formed a committee to get it done.
THOLOS: But you live in Arkansas. Mount Rushmore’s in South Dakota.
JUBAL: Well, you gotta start somewhere. So far, we got the City Council to vote on a referendum—the vote was unanimous, by the way. And we got over eight-hundred signatures on a petition to the governor—that’s just about the entire population of Bee Keeper! I’ve been in contact with people in South Dakota and I’ve written letters to Grover Norquist and Karl Rove, and they like the idea. See, it’s what we call grassroots politics. Maybe you’ve heard of it, I don’t know. You liberals see four guys hunkered over a table in a café up in the mountains somewhere, and you think, “Oh, there’s some hillbillies. How quaint.” Just remember—these same hillbillies are about to get Roe V. Wade thrown on the ash heap. So, I don’t think puttin’ Roy Moore’s face up on Mount Rushmore is gonna be too big a challenge for us. Yeah, it may seem kinda far-fetched just now. But once we get the Ten Commandments installed in every courthouse in America, most people are gonna remember that it was Roy Moore who first had the idea and who refused to back down when he was ordered to take ‘em out. By the way, does he remind you of somebody?
JUBAL: Roy Moore.
THOLOS: I don’t know.
JUBAL: How ‘bout that nigra lady back in the sixties—you know, the one that refused to give up her seat on the bus?
THOLOS: Rosa Parks?
JUBAL: Yeah, her. Now, let’s be fair, here, and admit that what Roy Moore did is ever' bit as big as what that nigra did. And everybody treats her like Jesus. She’s written up in all the history books, and even got her face on a postage stamp. And I just think Roy Moore defending the Ten Commandments is a way bigger deal than somebody keepin’ their seat on a bus. Anyway, it’s high time we added some new faces up on Mount Rushmore. Maybe Karl Rove oughta be up there, too.
THOLOS: Karl Rove?
JUBAL: Sure, why not.
THOLOS: Would you rank Karl Rove alongside Abraham Lincoln and Thomas Jefferson?
JUBAL: Is Lincoln up there? That’s right, he is, isn’t he? Well, I think Karl’s done an awful lot for our country. I think he’s had a huge impact. He’s a big reason why we have so many Born Agains runnin’ almost every office of our government, now. The country owes a huge debt to Karl and Grover, and G.W., too.
THOLOS: You think George W. Bush should be on Mount Rushmore?
JUBAL: Well, sure, if there’s room for him. I think he might prove to be one of our greatest presidents.
THOLOS: There may not be room for all those new faces up there.
JUBAL: Maybe not. Maybe it’s time we blasted the old ones off. I think everybody’s tired of lookin’ at ‘em. They’ve been up there a long time. If we clean ‘em off, then we can put some new ones up there. What do you think?
THOLOS: Well, that’s a heck of an idea.
More to come. --Grayson.