Friday, April 01, 2005
LAW-GIVERS PLACE THE EARTH UNDER LOCKDOWN
"I got your berada nikto right here", sez Gort.The Earth stood still in Washington D.C. this morning. After recent confirmations of Global Warming and news reports reiterated that the human race has now used up three-fourths of all planetary resources, there were multiple UFO sightings worldwide. The climax of this came with the landing of a "mothership" in the U.S. Capitol. Gort, a robot archetype sent by the Law-Givers, announced the necessity of the apparent pre-emptive strike and occupation.
Gort said that certain symbolic gestures were important. For starters, the U.S. Pentagon would be encased in a concrete sarcophagus of approximately 100 million metric tons and consecrated as a memorial. Radical Republicans, their sponsors, families and pets, would be transported to a small planetoid on the outskirts of the Magellenic Cloud, called Orgiastic Virtual World, where they could descend into madness without harming themselves or anyone else. "It's just a stopgap measure". the Law-Giver said, "until some therapy could rehabilitate them".
"Worse than your abysmal stewardship of this world", Gort said, "was your exploitative economy and misanthropic greed"..."Your own leaders have said 'it was necessary to destroy the village in order to save it'. "WE especially abhor that kind of linguistic nonsense, and have considered destroying humanity for that reason alone."
At that point, several of Washington's homeless came forward with wildflowers and other humble gifts. "That last bit was a joke", Gort sighed, "in fact it's all a bit of burlesque; but hear me now and believe me in a fortnight; intergalactic, trans-dimensional beings everywhere are putting you on notice."