THOLOS OF ATHENA

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

SPONGE BOB SQUAREPANTS CLEARED OF ALL CHARGES

--THE HAGUE


The International Court today dismissed all charges against the popular cartoon character, Sponge Bob Squarepants. American right-wing think tank personalities and commentators had leveled accusations against Squarepants, to the effect that he was some kind of secret agent, working to poison the minds of children with liberal ideals like "tolerance and diversity". But the confident Squarepants, appearing at a hastily-called press conference on the courthouse steps, declared that "The political persecution of cartoon characters is a non-starter".

Appearing in his Sunday Best before the High Court, Squarepants entered a plea of No Contest, throwing himself on the mercy of the presiding Justices. By a unanimous decision, the court declared the charges to be frivolous, and dismissed them. The ruling today set a legal precedent for animated characters, and said in brief that "Although not technically protected by The Rights Of Man or the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, it is the opinion of the court that the reckless defamation of such icons, beloved by children, fails to meet any test of fairness".

Sponge Bob (as he is affectionately known) was quoted as saying that he "enjoyed this day in court" but he "hated that sourpusses in the Heritage Foundation had made a partisan issue of tolerance and diversity". "L'Affaire Squarepants est finie", he said to a correspondent from the French periodical, Paris Match. But turning to the American Press, the natty Squarepants couldn't resist another barb for his accusers: "If I thought it would do any good, I'd tell their mothers".

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