Wednesday, November 24, 2004
U.S. Disease Warning
The US Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of sexually transmitted disease. This disease is contracted through dangerous and high risk behavior. The disease is called Gonorrhea lecthim (pronounced "gonna re-elect him").
Many victims have contracted it after having been screwed for the past 4 years, and in spite of having taken measures to protect themselves from this especially virulent disease.
Cognitive sequellae of individuals infected with Gonorrhea lecthim include, but are not limited to: Anti-social personality disorder traits; delusions of grandeur with a distinct messianic flavor; chronic mangling of the English language; extreme cognitive dissonance; inability to incorporate new information (pronounced xenophobia); inability to accept responsibility for actions; desire to pick fights and inflict violence; exceptional cowardice masked by acts of misplaced bravado; ignorance of geography and history; tendencies toward creating evangelical theocracies; and a strong propensity for categorical, all-or nothing behavior.
After gathering wisdom and experience for many years, we are now confused at a very high level.
There appears to be no immediate cure, at least not for the foreseeable future. We are doing our utmost to educate the public, but those who have succumbed to the illness apparently believe it is the handwork of God, and thus are staying away from doctors, or, for that matter, anyone in the scientific community.
Thus far, the disease seems to be confined mostly to Republicans, but we have noted some of the above symptoms among a number of prominent Democrats. We strongly urge the public, and especially our Senators and Congressmen to be mindful of the following precautions:
1) As much as possible, avoid intimate contact with those already infected.
2) We have also discovered a close link between the disease and money! Apparently, the disease is carried on money--especially bills of high denomination, and even checks!
Money from corporations appears to be the most contaminated at this time. We have seen complete changes in personality occur when large amounts of money change hands.
So just be careful who you take money from and who you lie in bed with.